Overall, this is an excellent start to a compelling essay. Keep in mind that although the committee allows you to write up to five pages, three double-spaced pages is usually adequate. Feel free to add more detail, but make sure your text is concise and transparent. You might consider "writing" ideas and then "rewriting" them. Too often, authors put ideas onto the page, but do not render those ideas compellingly. Giving your sentences a bit of extra effort, and giving your experiences a bit of extra reflection, will result in a persuasive essay that compliments your accomplishments and character.
In this list when there is Holly Jesus RA, as he was 2nd last Holly prophet/ messenger of Allah (God). Then why not mentioned about last Messenger of God Holly “Muhammad” Pbuh. Muhammad pbuh is last and God Messenger of Muslims and all mankind to Day of Judgment. When mentioned Gandhi of India then why not mentioned Mr. Muhammad Ali Jinnah a unique personality and founder of Pakistan. Then why not mentioned about Allama Muhammad Iqbal a national poet of Pakistan. And his unmatched poetry inspired people world wide. His poetry is available in Urdu and Persian.
I’m sure many people would probably make blanket statements that are hard to understand…”don’t write about something too grandiose” “don’t write about something too mundane” “don’t make it too intellectual-sounding” “don’t make it sound like intellectualism is not a part of your life”–but the best advice I can give is figure out a writing style that works for you, and run with it. If you look hard enough, you will find people in your life who know you well enough to give you tips on your writing style while staying true to yourself and making it genuine. Take this advice with a grain of salt. Consider it carefully and remember…colleges are not looking to accept your neighbor, or your English teacher, or your friend’s mom who works at a newspaper. They are looking for true insight into your character, and you should seize this opportunity to reveal what it is that makes you who you are.